All right. Now, prepare yourself, honey.
This is Loehmann's semiannual, red star clearance.
You are gonna see things today
that will haunt you for the rest of your shopping life.
Excuse me. Please. Please, excuse me.
Shouldn't we help that woman in the wheelchair through first?
Honey, stand your ground.
Last year when they put out the Donna Karan,
she popped out of that chair and screamed, "It's a miracle".
They're about to open the door.
-Watch your nose. -Why? What's gonna happen to my--
Oh, God. Look at this. This is so my color.
Wait, it seems to be...
It's, like, hooked on something.
Help me.
Excuse me, please. I had this sweater first.
-I believe you're mistaken. -I've got the cuff.
-I've got the armpit. -I've got your kid.
She's not mine.
Listen, I'm warning you, my Nicotine patch fell off,
my mom's in town and my boyfriend left me for my brother.
Yeah, well, I'm over 30, single, and I work for her.
Hold onto this and don't let go, honey.
Hey, did you see the movie, Babe, kid?
-Yeah. -Well, they ate him at the rap party.
Well, I can't hear you!
She was working in a bridal shop In Flushing, Queens
'Till her boyfriend kicked her out In one of those crushing scenes
What was she to do, where was she to go? She was out on her fanny
So, over the bridge from Flushing To the Sheffields' door
She was there to sell makeup But the father saw more
She had style, she had flair She was there
That's how she became the Nanny
Who would have guessed That the girl we described
Was just exactly What the doctor prescribed?
-Now the father finds her beguiling -Watch out C.C.
-And the kids are actually smiling -Such joie de vivre!
She's the lady in red When everybody else is wearing tan
The flashy girl from Flushing The Nanny named Fran
You know, I'm telling you, ma, the kid is a natural.
Show her what you did to get those women away
from the Calvin Klein rack.
"Look, there's John John!"
You don't learn these things in books.
Meanwhile, ma, what'd you have for lunch over there?
You got enough butter on you to have your own last tango in Paris.
I had a lobster.
Your Uncle Stanley caught them near Rockaway Beach.
Ma, they don't even like people to swim in that water. It could be toxic.
What are you talking about?
There's nothing wrong with those lobsters.
They're excellent. Plus, they got two tails.
All right. So when you grow that second mouth out of your shoulder
you can eat them at the same time.
Ma, you made daddy sit in the car for two hours?
We got a car phone at a time share walk-through.
Now, he can sit and call Howard Stern.
Why he wants to get screamed at, and berated,
I will never understand.
Lay off the horn, you yutz.
Ms. Fine, have you seen Brighton’s science test? He got a 66.
Wow! Brighton, you passed.
By a hair. That is no good.
I'm not kidding, young man. We went through all this last semester.
You keep this up, I'll to send you to military school.
What?
Military school? Are you serious?
Nothing but young men. No women for miles around?
For me it'd be nice.
Dad, look, I've got a big science project due.
I've been working on it for weeks. It's gonna bring my grade up.
Oh, my God, where did my moldy strawberry go? Oh, I'm dead.
Well, you better think of something else pretty soon, young man.
And try to be more inventive than moldy fruit.
And I don't want you helping him either.
I wouldn't dream of it.
Not after the review my strawberry got.
Brighton needs to learn to do things on his own.
-I've packed your briefcase, sir. -Thank you.
You've made things far too easy for the boy.
He'll never become a man.
Doesn't have that boyish thing happening, sir.
Oh, there we are.
Are the kids yours or does he do everything for you?
I'm serious, Ms. Fine. Just because Brighton has a trust fund
don't think I'm gonna let him end up jet setting around the world,
skiing and yachting and flitting from party to party.
He's got far too much pride for that.
I mean, for me it'd be nice.
Maxwell, I am sorry I'm late. I had to pack a bag.
They're fumigating my apartment.
They've tried that before. You always come back.
Anyway, it's very difficult to find a hotel that will accept dogs.
Did you promise you wouldn't hump the bellboy's leg?
You know, Niles, it's a pity we don't see more of one another.
Maxwell, I just had a crazy notion. Why don't Chester and I stay here?
Yes, of course, C.C.
Niles will take care of everything.
Good. Here you go.
Give him one of these pills three times a day.
-I'll put it in his food. -Wrong end.
Well, I just thank God
that I was making tea while opening the mail
when this envelope addressed to you accidentally steamed opened.
Applications for military school?
I can't believe you're thinking about sending my baby away.
Who is this man I'm living with? I don't even know you anymore.
Miss Fine, I happen to think discipline is a way of showing love.
Well, I am seeing a whole new side to you
that frankly I find intriguing.
Look, Mr. Sheffield, you got a cat on your terrace.
He's probably hungry. I feed him something this time everyday.
Mr. Sheffield, I thought you said you hated cats.
No. I hate Andrew Lloyd Webber's Cats.
Here, Shoes.
-Shoes? -Yeah.
Roger Clinton's cat from next door. Socks's sister.
Shoes and Socks?
And these are the ones they think they're clever enough to orchestrate Whitewater?
Mr. Sheffield, you better watch out. Look at this.
You've got a little bird's nest with three little bird's eggs.
I thought birds laid their eggs in the spring.
-She's a little late, isn't she? -Hey, it's the '90s.
She don't have to lay eggs the minute she moves out of her parents' nest.
Maybe she spent the last three years sitting on somebody else's eggs,
waiting for that certain gray-streaked pigeon to make his move.
-What are you doing? -It's my science project.
Maggie gave me the idea.
I'm comparing different types of lipsticks to see
which one's gonna last the longest.
That's a good one.
Honey, that's not gonna get you an "A" in science.
But it'll definitely get you out of military school.
You're right. It stinks.
You know what? Military school might not be so bad.
When I'm gone, I want you to have my room.
Honey, stop it. I don't want it.
Sure I could break through that wall and create a fabulous dressing area
with a tremendous walk-in closet.
But I don't need that, I need you.
Are these hardwood floors under here?
If I could just think of a great science project.
Well, I'm sorry, but I cannot help you with that, mister.
You are gonna have to think about that all on your own.
Okay. Here's my idea.
There were three abandoned eggs in a nest on the terrace.
I thought you could incubate them with heat lamps
and then you can document the hatching.
Great idea. How'd you think of it?
Well, who knows more about eggs
just sitting around going to waste, than me?
Hello.
Maxwell, I thought we might have a little nightcap.
I don't want to do it at the house.
Meet me at the Regency Hotel in an hour.
Miles, what are you doing hanging around outside my room?
I was anxious to hear how your meeting at the Regency went.
Did Pavarotti agree to sing Pagliacci at your benefit?
After I buttered him up.
I said, "I've dreamed of seeing you dressed like a clown.
Oh, God, it would be thrilling."
Thank you.
Honey, honey, what are you doing?
The Limited is having a blowout sale.
Sweetie.
What are you thinking?
It's tomorrow.
Hello.
I need you to do me a really big favor.
Turn the heat lamps on the eggs for 15 minutes.
B, I'm not supposed to help you.
Come on, Fran, you've always helped me.
-You've been like a mother to me. -Forget it, B, it's not gonna work.
You're far too young to be a mother.
All right. It worked.
This is the last time I wanna hear about your stupid eggs, ma-ma.
Is that your mother? I need to speak with her.
Sylvia, hello. Listen, about those tickets you wanted.
I can't talk now. I'm nauseous.
Yeah. I hope to see you soon, ma. Get it?
Or your father's gonna be sending us both to military school.
Well, I could use a few good men.
Maxwell.
What's the matter? You've barely spoken two words to me all day.
What happened to our little meeting at the Regency?
I decided to handle it myself.
Maxwell, I would have loved to have helped you.
I appreciate that, C.C.
But it really went much faster without you.
I hate An Affair to Remember. Why are you making me watch this?
Tell him you can't walk.
Tell him he ruined your life.
Make him feel guilty.
She's obviously not Jewish.
Well, now I'm too upset to study.
I'll have to go out and get burgers with my friends.
Thanks a lot, Fran.
I'm home.
There you are.
How can you spend so long at a mall?
This from a woman that once spent two hours at "Potatoes, Potatoes, Potatoes"?
There were 80 toppings, dear.
Did you remember to turn the heat lamps on?
Yes. I am responsible.
You better get you act together, mister.
What are you gonna do when I'm married and have kids
and I'm not living here anymore? All right, bad example.
What's the big deal? I asked you just to turn on a light.
It isn't a big deal unless I forget to turn it off.
Oh, God, I'm going to boot camp.
B, it looks like it's okay. Look, look, see.
Which only goes to prove that heat is-- Wait that's a bulb!
You think it broke?
All right. Let's just be positive. It could still be all right.
You never read Humpty Dumpty, huh, kid?
-Oh, God, I can't look. -B, we're in luck.
We're in luck. It didn't break, because it's hard boiled.
Oh, my God.
I'm very modest. Do you think I can get a private latrine?
Well, B, I think that we can salvage this egg?
How?
You got any salt?
This is C.C. Babcock. Please leave a message at the sound of the tone.
I've dreamed of seeing you dressed like a clown.
Oh, God, it would be thrilling.
Working 9:00 to 5:00 What a way to make a living
Niles, you know, I was thinking, Mr. Sheffield is right.
If I help Brighton with his project, it's only gonna hurt him.
You've already gotten involved and screwed up?
Yeah.
There's really nothing I can do about it except to tell Mr. Sheffield the truth.
Here's the two things I came up with.
-Hello. -Hello.
Hi, ma.
Fran, I brought you one of Uncle Stanley's lobsters.
You gotta try.
Ma, I'm not eating that thing.
Never mind the two tails, it’s got eyebrows.
You are so critical. That's why you're not married.
Meanwhile, Ma, what's with this big rash all over your chest?
-Look, it’s up here now. -Yeah.
I think it’s your father's beard.
I also got one on my calf, my knee, my thigh, my--
All right. All right, ma. Don't draw me a picture.
I think you should put on some calamine lotion
-and go soak in a luke-warm tub. -All right.
-You didn't mean here, did you? -No.
Miss Fine, I am very proud of Brighton.
He's been so busy with his science project he hasn't left his room all day.
Now, you haven't helped him, have you?
I've been no help to him at all.
Good. Here's a little bonus in your paycheck this week.
Thanks.
You know, I haven't helped him with anything either.
What is your secret?
I keep telling you, Niles, big hair and short skirts.
That's what got Mel Gibson The Oscar.
What happened to telling Mr. Sheffield the truth?
Well, I decided to take the road more traveled.
Now, I gotta get Brighton an extension on his science project.
But, I have never met a teacher
that I couldn't wrap around my little pinkie.
His teacher in a woman.
Got any cash?
Wow.
I'm getting such a deja vu here.
What is it?
Here we go.
-Detention, honey? -Yeah. I was putting on make-up in class.
You really shouldn't do that.
-You're here to learn. -I don't need school.
I'm gonna marry a doctor, live in Great Neck
right after my mother moves to Boca.
How do you feel about being a domestic?
Learn to love it, baby.
Cute sweater.
Thanks.
-Where'd you get it? -I got it at--
Oh, boy.
Mrs. Richardson?
You can go now, Francine.
About that little incident at Loehmann's that was a big misunderstanding
and I just wanted to apologize for what my twin sister did.
All I wanted was a green sweater to go with the skirt I bought at a yard sale.
Well, now, let's just put all that behind us.
Hi. I'm Brighton Sheffield's nanny
and I'm here to ask for an extension on his science project.
What's that in your hand?
It's a fifty.
But it's in your hand now, honey.
So, you really want this for Brighton?
Desperately.
How is it to want something so bad you can taste it,
feel it in your hand and someone yank it away?
It doesn't feel good.
Is that gum you're chewing in my class?
No.
Put that on your nose.
Now, we'll just sit here for a while, while you think about your actions, miss.
How did she know I was a miss?
B, I got your teacher to give you an extension.
You have to come up with a new science project.
I already got one. Check this out.
B, that's disgusting.
Genug with the moldy fruit already.
No. That's your mother's back.
Ma, don't you think you should give up on the lobster already?
Maybe they are a little suspicious.
I'll start on the ten pounds of shrimp, Uncle Stanley caught.
Well, do they look normal?
What they? It's one shrimp.
-Miss Fine. -What?
Where is Brighton?
Upstairs, working on his science project.
-Why? -Oh, God, this is terrible.
I forgot to feed Roger Clinton's cat today,
now the eggs are missing out of the nest, the cat must have eaten them.
Why didn't I think of that?
You did. You warned me.
You know you're right. I did warn you.
But you didn't listen, did you?
I've ruined everything.
How could I be such a screw up?
Well, there's only one thing for you to do, mister.
Get your boots and your sleeping bag.
You're sending me to military school?
I just thought we could have some fun.
-Miss Fine-- -Now, calm down.
I'm sure I can get an extension from the teacher.
We have to come up with a new idea for the kid.
There'll be a considerable bonus in it for you.
Good luck with the teacher. I hear she's pretty tough.
Well, don't you worry about her. I'll take care of everything.
-You already got Brighton an extension. -Yeah.
How'd you do that?
Niles, I just reasoned with the woman.
You can't argue with logic.
Did you need me, sir?
Run out to Kennedy Airport, would you, and pick up Pavarotti.
You better leave now. Those two lanes closed on the L.I.E.
-It'll take you hours. -Yes, sir.